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I recently got chatting to a lass on an internet dating site.
As I quite like a girl to be 'curvy', I was really looking forward to meeting her when she told me she was a size 16.......


......never realised until I met her that she was talking about her f*****g feet!!!!

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I won the euro millions last week and bought a large Indian bank and an Indian mobile phone network. I have opened the call centres and helplines in Newcastle....let's see how they like it.

Some drunk bloke approached me yesterday; "Scuse me mate, do you know where the other side of the road is?"

I said "Yeh mate, it's over there"

He said "Jesus Christ, some b***stard's sent me over here!"

Congratulations to Rangi Chase who, at tonight's Man of Steel awards picked up both "best overseas player" and 'best British player'!

The Mrs and I decided to go out for a night on the tiles last night, We walked past a sy new restaurant in the Centre of Chester. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible ?"she commented I agreed, the smells were delicious. Being the nice guy I am I thought "Sod it I'll treat her" So we walked past it again.

Both Jack Rodwell and Amanda Knox have had their decisions overturned this week. One has wasted 4 years of their life, trapped and unable to further their career....and the other one's been in a prison in Italy

Steve Jobs death has shaken apple right down to it's core.

Bill Kenwright has announced that due to the coin throwing in last Saturday's derby, David Moyes now has £3.76 to spend in the January transfer window....

Wayne Rooney has said how gutted he is about being sent off in the 32nd minute in Englands game tonight.