Re: Chilli bum : Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:05 pm  

Vaseline. Before you get the urge to push, ensure you get a good dollop of the stuff on your middle finger. Insert the said finger to the first knuckle joint (there is no need to go any further, your not attempting to massage your prostrate this time) and working in a slow circular motion, remove the finger ensuring all the vaseline is left behind. Make sure you smear a little on the outside of the rusty sheriffs badge also. Works a treat.

Re: Chilli bum : Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:10 pm  

cod'ead wrote:

Never, ever engage in unprotected anal sex with anyone who has recently eaten a curry. You get one of those chilli seeds wedged behind your foreskin and you'll know what burning feels like

Never had you down as a bender (women only eat Kormas).

Re: Chilli bum : Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:11 pm  

THECherry&Whites wrote:

Vaseline. Before you get the urge to push, ensure you get a good dollop of the stuff on your middle finger. Insert the said finger to the first knuckle joint (there is no need to go any further, your not attempting to massage your prostrate this time) and working in a slow circular motion, remove the finger ensuring all the vaseline is left behind. Make sure you smear a little on the outside of the rusty sheriffs badge also. Works a treat.

That's a normal night for anyone with a WN postcode.

Re: Chilli bum : Fri Dec 09, 2011 12:56 am  

Dial 999, and let them sort it out.

Re: Chilli bum : Fri Dec 09, 2011 9:34 am  

McLaren_Field wrote:

Jackson the German Shepherd Dog stole a whole hot 'n spicy pizza that had just been delievered to one of my daughters while the wife and I were on holiday this year, she thought she'd mislaid it at first because he ate all of it, including the box, it was only when he started squirting liquid hot 'n spicy pizza all over the garden that she realised what had happened to it.

The wife and I got a text message in our hotel in Corfu, "Come home please, dog shitting all over house"

Two things that really upset me in that post.
1. People who are too lazy to go and get their own pizza or cook for themselves.
2. Kids who pester/cry to their parents when the shittt hits the fan (Literally in this case)

Re: Chilli bum : Fri Dec 09, 2011 1:01 pm  

peggy wrote:

Two things that really upset me in that post.
1. People who are too lazy to go and get their own pizza or cook for themselves.
2. Kids who pester/cry to their parents when the shittt hits the fan (Literally in this case)

Oh I hear you.

My two are employed and earning their own salaries and paying board to live with us - they order takeaways at least three or four times a week, I've given up explaining to them that our local Chinese takeaway owner drives an E series Merc on their food orders.

I liken myself now to Don Corleone when at a meeting with Sollozzo he speaks of Sonny, "I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see" I say that out loud every time I ask who is going to do the washing up and then find myself doing it .

Re: Chilli bum : Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:22 pm  

The answer is simple.If the chilli is hot whilst eating it,take a slice of banana,it takes the heat away.Ergo,after eating a chilli,shove a banana up your ass.

Re: Chilli bum : Sat Dec 10, 2011 1:03 pm  

Damo-Leeds wrote:

This.

It’s horrible stuff but it took away the burning sensation I got from this super-hot sauce my mate gave me to try one time.

That just comes over all wrong Damo.

Re: Chilli bum : Sat Dec 10, 2011 6:09 pm  

Ah one ,two ,three,..........
"Chill-ee ,is a burning thing,and it makes a fiery ring................................................

Re: Chilli bum : Sun Dec 11, 2011 9:09 pm  

Milk Enema.