Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Sat Apr 28, 2012 8:05 pm  

TWELVE TV GAFFS

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Sat Apr 28, 2012 8:08 pm  

Oh and No13 by cricketing legend John Arlett

" The bowlers Holding, the batsmans Willey "

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:41 am  

It's been on here before, but search the tube for long stabby thing.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue May 01, 2012 1:04 pm  

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the amber nectar went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit pi$$ed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 'MIDNIGHT'. She didn't seem annoyed in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Thu May 03, 2012 12:48 am  

andym1988 wrote:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the amber nectar went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit pi$$ed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 'MIDNIGHT'. She didn't seem annoyed in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Sun May 06, 2012 7:04 am  

Why did the scarecrow win the top award?

Because he was the best in his field.




A murderer and a woman are walking through the woods. She stops and says 'Its dark, I'm scared', to which he replies 'Your scared? I've got to find my way back on my own'.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Mon May 07, 2012 10:36 am  

Ashley_ wrote:

Why did the scarecrow win the top award?

Because he was the best in his field.

Was that off a lolly stick?

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue May 08, 2012 10:03 am  

wigan_rlfc wrote:

Was that off a lolly stick?

Nah, the lolly stick company rejected it

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue May 08, 2012 7:38 pm  

Testicle Therapy.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Fri May 11, 2012 1:24 pm  

The BBC have just announced that they are not going to show the full funeral of Vidal Sasoon, but will show the highlights