Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 6:39 pm  

A man who slipped and fell into an upholstery machine is now said to be fully recovered.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:16 pm  

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church you daft bugger"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 8:02 pm  

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.
tommy cooper ... legend

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 8:19 pm  

Legends and Icons wrote:

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.
tommy cooper ... legend

Hi Tim

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 8:20 pm  

roversmad wrote:

Hi Tim

Those were around before Tim was even a twinkle in his daddies eye...

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:30 pm  

Legends and Icons wrote:

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand

Big Graeme wrote:

Those were around before Tim was even a twinkle in his daddies eye...

Cooper really was a genius if he was cracking gags about songs that were only released three years after he'd died...

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:40 pm  

Cragganmore Kid wrote:

Cooper really was a genius if he was cracking gags about songs that were only released three years after he'd died...

good spot pal . It was on his list of jokes on the tinternet aswell .

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:04 pm  

you can tell its a tim joke when the first joke starts with "so i was............"

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:08 pm  

pedpower wrote:

you can tell its a tim joke when the first joke starts with "so i was............"

Just watched him on netflix for the first time , very funny but not in the same league as mr cooper .

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:48 pm  

Zookeeper says to Paddy " the gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it, would you consider shagging it for £500 ?"
Paddy replies "I will on three conditions, 1st i'm not going to kiss it, 2nd my family must never know and 3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together"

******************

My wife was standing nude in front of the mirror, she was not happy with what she saw and she said to me "I feel horrible, I feel fat and ugly and I really need you to pay me a big compliment"
I replied " Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect"
and that's when the fight started....