Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:08 pm  

Sandra The Terrorist wrote: "Hear My Song" wants it's story back. Even earlier than that!

Sandra The Terrorist wrote: "Hear My Song" wants it's story back. Even earlier than that!

[John_D]

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:14 pm  

I had a dream last night in which I was eating my pillow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow had gone.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Sep 07, 2012 2:18 pm  

John_D wrote:

I had a dream last night in which I was eating my pillow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow had gone.

A whole new genre.

Q. "if you were going to Bradford, would you set off from here?"
A. "No, I don't know the way".

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Sep 07, 2012 2:57 pm  

The morning after a drinking session with my mate a couple of months ago, I got a text from him saying,' I don't know what we drank last night mate, but I was so pished I've lost my leg'.

He has a prosthetic leg.

His girlfriend found it later that day at the entrance lobby to his appartments three flights of stairs below.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Sep 07, 2012 2:59 pm  

Unlike the previous few, this REALLY is a true story, I promise.

Was driving one day from Wakey to a meeting at a customer in Altofts, was coming into Normanton and realised that I didn't have a map or directions (yes, what we had to do before satnav), but then saw an old woman walking along the side of the road, a Monty Python type old woman, long grey coat, big shopping bag, bent back etc.

Stopped to ask her for some directions and quick as a flash she opened the passenger door and sat in the passenger seat, "I'm going there love, you can take me" she said - I was a bit shocked at her cheek and at the fact that she'd just jump in a strangers car, but ... strange folk around there.

Anyway, one mile down the road we got to the crossroads in the middle of Normanton and she told me to stop, then she got out of the car, leaned back in through the door and said "Go down there and ask someone else", then buggered off.


I just sat there and LoL'd for ages.

[John_D]

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Sep 07, 2012 3:08 pm  

JerryChicken wrote:

Unlike the previous few, this REALLY is a true story, I promise.

Are you suggesting that I did not sleep-eat a giant marshmallow? Pfft

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:43 pm  

glow wrote:

We were on holiday once staying on the first floor, we’d been there about a week and never even set foot in the lift, then one day on returning from the beach, as we arrived at the stairway I saw the lift open, I ran and jokingly shouted I’ll race you, I jumped into the lift quickly turned round pressed number one, the lift set off and I was stood there with my nose against the lift door in anticipation of needing a quick exit to ensure victory. The lift stopped, I was ready to pounce as soon as the doors opened........ nothing happened, I pressed the door open button, still nothing happened, I heard the wife say, “Beat you!”

I pressed the button again, still nothing happened, I pressed number one, nothing, the wife said “Come on!”

“I can’t get out!” I replied, she just laughed, “Don’t laugh its not funny the lifts broke press the buttons on your side”, the damn woman was still laughing, I kicked the door, I was desperately trying to prise the doors open, at 30 plus degrees trapped in the lift, panic was starting to set in, I shouted for help, I pressed the alarm, the wife said “What you doing?”

“I’m trapped!” I told her, she was to hysterical to speak, "STOP LAUGHING" .

I could see a chink of light at the bottom of the doors, I was now on my hands and knees trying to desperately claw my way out of the lift, in between shouting for help through the smallest of gaps, I then heard a voice with a Spanish accent say “Most guests depart the lift via these doors behind you Sir”

As I turned around the doors were wide open and what appeared to be all the reception staff and about 10 guest all stood there laughing at me, no sign of the wife other than a water trail that lead to our room.

That is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thanks for sharing that one with us. Brilliant.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Sat Sep 08, 2012 5:19 pm  

One from my wife.

The scooter club we're both members of has an annual party in Northampton. We normally stop in the same Holiday Inn, but one year we had to stop in a different one.
This next detail is important: As you walk into the place, you go through a double door and then go left to start on the stairs which come back along where you've just come in, leading to a landing halfway up before continuing in the same direction as when you walked in the building, meaning that there is a wall facing the entrance lobby.
We went out with the rest of the club and, to put it mildly, got absolutely hammered.

We walked back to the digs, Fiona droping behind slightly as we entered the building. I go up half the stairs and stop on the half landing and tell her to hurry up. She's now facing the wall with a confused look on her face..

All we got out of her for about five minutes was "How did you get up there? The stairs are broken, I can't get up to you..." with a really sad look on her face...

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Sat Sep 08, 2012 5:21 pm  

..Just been reminded, the same weekend she walked up to a plate glass window and waited for it to slide open. Yes dear, it's a window, not a door.

She's actually quite intelligent.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Sat Sep 08, 2012 5:45 pm  

Cringeworthy one

Was in Amsterdam on a stag weekend, we went in to a club for a couple of drinks, we'd been in for about 20 minutes when two Americans came over, first time in Europe and they were working, well paid lawyer types, and wanted to talk to some English guys. Anyway 3 hours later we are chatting having a right laugh and they'd been buying the drinks, yes just those 2 buying and there was 15 of us.

One of our 'mates' is a bit of an idiot and by now he's absolutely hammered, a few of us are talking about 9/11 and all the associated blah that goes with that kind of discussion, when this 'mate' who had said next to F'k all all night pipes up with this beauty in his full drunken glory.

"You know 9/11, well you deserved that, that will teach you to make all those films in which Americans are the best at everything and everyone else is a f'kin idiot, Maverick and Goose didn't shoot those planes out the sky did they"?

I swear non of us knew where to put ourselves and couldn't believe his only contribution to the conversation was that, needless to say the drinks stopped coming very shortly afterwards.