Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Mon Sep 10, 2012 10:53 am  

Another couple ………………

I took the wife to the new Cinemas in Leigh the other month, it was the first time we'd gone on our own to the Pictures since the release of Grease

Anyway as she came away with from the counter she said "You're in seat 12A"

After a few minutes of looking I said "There is no 12A, they all start with letters, hope it’s not A12 right at the front, I'll have to ask"

So I did

"12A is the film classification Sir, sit were you want"

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The Wife and I usually get one another a couple of surprise presents for Christmas.

The year before last in the lead up she said “I’m going to get us something we can both use at night in the bedroom.” Wow… This was going to be my best Christmas ever.

On Christmas Eve, I asked will I be ok opening the surprise presents in front of the kids, she said “Yeah, their old enough now to understand” I was a little shocked but what the hell they were 19 and 17.

Anyway Santa had been, and in the normal routine, I’m last at the opening ceremony, I hadn’t been so excited for years, I ripped the wrapping off as fast as I could and there it was……….








A tub of Anti-wrinkle cream.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:18 pm  

JerryChicken wrote:

Unlike the previous few, this REALLY is a true story, I promise.

Was driving one day from Wakey to a meeting at a customer in Altofts, was coming into Normanton and realised that I didn't have a map or directions (yes, what we had to do before satnav), but then saw an old woman walking along the side of the road, a Monty Python type old woman, long grey coat, big shopping bag, bent back etc.

Stopped to ask her for some directions and quick as a flash she opened the passenger door and sat in the passenger seat, "I'm going there love, you can take me" she said - I was a bit shocked at her cheek and at the fact that she'd just jump in a strangers car, but ... strange folk around there.

Anyway, one mile down the road we got to the crossroads in the middle of Normanton and she told me to stop, then she got out of the car, leaned back in through the door and said "Go down there and ask someone else", then buggered off.


I just sat there and LoL'd for ages.

Something similar happened to me when I was 17 or 18. I'd not long started my job, and was sent out to do a viewing or measure up, or something. I stopped and asked an old man for some directions, and like the little old lady above, jumped in the car.

He then proceeded to criticise EVERY aspect of my driving, saying I was going too fast and what have you. He told me
to pull over when we reached the spot he needed, and I'll never forget his parting shot; "If tha wants fot see seventy, don't see it on thi speedometer"

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Wed Oct 03, 2012 9:42 am  

One of my teammates at uni is a 'mature' student (29, but not particularly mature) and was involved in a moped accident earlier this year, but wasn't able to give us the full details due to a court case surrounding it. It's all been sorted out now, and he couldn't wait to tell us about the name of the woman who had sent him through her windshield.

Her surname was Pepper, his is Salt.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Wed Oct 03, 2012 9:52 am  

Leading on from that (sort of): nominative determinism, anyone?

Leading on from that (sort of): nominative determinism, anyone?

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:51 pm  

Another story about a perplexed American.

We were on a car trip out to the US west coast. Stopped at a restaurant somewhere in Montana or Wyoming. Waitress picked up on our accents. "You're from out east aren't you?". "Yes, we're living in Chicago but we're from further east than that". "Oh, New York then?". "No, much further east". Silence, puzzled look, then "But there isn't anywhere further east."

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Oct 05, 2012 5:37 am  

sally cinnamon wrote:

Continuing the toilet humour theme, there was a lad at our uni, that fancied his female housemate for ages, eventually one night they got together after a night out when they were both leathered, he shagged her in her bed, then when he thought she was asleep he let out a silent fart, and followed through with stinky watery diarrhoea, all over her bedsheets.

My old mate Staffy was a serial dumper.

He felt the need to drop his kegs and curl one off in all sorts of different environments and circumstances.

The two times that I was in his company :-

1, We were at a mates party, whose parents had cleared off on their hols, when I got a, 'just keep an eye out for me mate', whereupon he proceeded to lock himself in our mates parents greenhouse and dump a huge steaming log. (there were two perfectly adequate toilets within the property.

2, Half a dozen of us had gone on a North Sea Ferries 'Dutch Dash', Hull/Rotterdam.We got totally w@nkered (like you do)on the outgoing leg, and me and him somehow found ourselves in the corridor outside the officers cabins. Oh yes, belt unbuckled, jeans dropped, and a big toby dropped all over the carpet.

Two further occasions that I never physically witnessed but the lads told me about........................

1, Him and a few of the lads went on the Norfolk Broads for a week. Apparently he got on top of the wheelhouse thingy and proceeded to drop a large one in front of the lads and a family in a boat in the nearby vicinity.

2, They were at a wedding when the best-man had the bad idea of taking Staffy along with him to break into the newlyweds home during the festivities.
Best man was just gonna throw the contents of a box of rice under the duvet and move a few things around. Unfortunately whilst best man was out of the bedroom, you can guess what else got left under the duvet.

He obviously had serious issues.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Oct 05, 2012 2:06 pm  

WIZEB wrote:

A Saturday night out in Bradford!

No, you're wrong there. I bet it's ten years since I even cracked a smile on a night out in Bradford.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Oct 05, 2012 3:14 pm  

vbfg wrote:

No, you're wrong there. I bet it's ten years since I even cracked a smile on a night out in Bradford.

I wasn't smiling either when we pitched up at the Westgate curry house to find that they'd vacated the building.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Oct 05, 2012 3:40 pm  

Well then you should have taken my advice and, err. Actually you did.

Re: True stories that are funnier than jokes : Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:02 pm  

WIZEB wrote:

My old mate Staffy was a serial dumper.

He felt the need to drop his kegs and curl one off in all sorts of different environments and circumstances.

The two times that I was in his company :-

1, We were at a mates party, whose parents had cleared off on their hols, when I got a, 'just keep an eye out for me mate', whereupon he proceeded to lock himself in our mates parents greenhouse and dump a huge steaming log. (there were two perfectly adequate toilets within the property.

2, Half a dozen of us had gone on a North Sea Ferries 'Dutch Dash', Hull/Rotterdam.We got totally w@nkered (like you do)on the outgoing leg, and me and him somehow found ourselves in the corridor outside the officers cabins. Oh yes, belt unbuckled, jeans dropped, and a big toby dropped all over the carpet.

Two further occasions that I never physically witnessed but the lads told me about........................

1, Him and a few of the lads went on the Norfolk Broads for a week. Apparently he got on top of the wheelhouse thingy and proceeded to drop a large one in front of the lads and a family in a boat in the nearby vicinity.

2, They were at a wedding when the best-man had the bad idea of taking Staffy along with him to break into the newlyweds home during the festivities.
Best man was just gonna throw the contents of a box of rice under the duvet and move a few things around. Unfortunately whilst best man was out of the bedroom, you can guess what else got left under the duvet.

He obviously had serious issues.

Gosh. He sounds like a mate you could be proud of