Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:47 pm  

Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs! I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year?

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:15 pm  

After becoming depressed me and my wife planned a joint suicide. However strangely once she had killed herself things started looking up.

I was about to buy a "Blue Peter" advent calendar.... Then i remembered i had made one earlier.

With Chelsea only needing a 0-0 draw to progress to the next round of europe. Fernando Torres is expected to start.

I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, "Yacht for sale" As if people don't know what a yacht's for.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:45 pm  

"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.
I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."

I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:48 pm  

Catalancs wrote:

....Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

What goes clop clop clop clop - BANG BANG - clopclopclopclopclopclop.....??








An Amish 'drive-by'!!

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:53 pm  

I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She'll have a fit when she finds out.

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Sat Dec 10, 2011 1:20 pm  

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".



My wife slipped over in the bathroom last night and knocked herself out. As she lay there on the floor naked, p***y glinting in the light I thought ''this is my chance'' so I went to the pub

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Sun Dec 11, 2011 10:30 pm  

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:29 am  

justarugbyfan wrote:

Fatima Whitbread, king of the jungle

You are a card aren't you

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Mon Dec 12, 2011 2:38 pm  

So, bloke goes to the pub the other day and says "can I please have a bint of pitter and a lalf of hager?"

Landlord says "Don't you mean pint of bitter and half of lager?"

Bloke says "yes, I'm sorry. I tend to get my words mixed up sometimes"

Landlord says "yes, I know what you mean. only this morning I was coming downstairs and I meant to ask the wife if she fancied some breakfast, however I ended up saying "you've ruined my life you ugly fat biitch"

Re: Jokes Thread 2 : Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:24 pm  

justarugbyfan wrote:

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

I took summat to The Antiques Roadshow once.

I says to the expert "I recently moved into a large old terraced property, and I found this in my loft, and was wondering if you could let me know how much it's worth?"

"F*ck off!!" says he "and stop wasting my time!"

"...but I think it might be victorian." says I

"It's your cold water tank - Now F*ck Off!!!"