I was rushed with blue flashing lights from York hospital to Hull Royal Infirmary after I had become paralysed needing an emergency laminectomy to release the compression on the spinal cord, imagine the hilarity three weeks later when we were told I would never walk again because they had operated at the wrong level missing the area of compression by 6 (six) centimetres. I nearly hed myself laughing but I couldn't.

Many years ago I was the last one left in the office on a Friday evening and just about to leave when my boss's phone rings. I answered it and the caller was the CEO (this was a multi-billion £ company). He demanded some data to be in his inbox by 8pm (it was about 6.30pm when he rang). I said "no chance there's nobody else here and I'm off in a minute". Back came the reply "Do you know who I am ?". "Yes" I said "but do you know who I am ?" "No" he said. "Well f**k off then........."



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Working on Sellafield site Geordie, a scaffolder, had a fall and suffered some spinal injuries. As they were putting him in the ambulance his mate came running over shouting at the paramedics to stop as he needed to ask him something urgently. "Geordie" he said "are you alright ?" "No mate" came the reply "I'm in agony". "Well" says his mate "seeing as you're not going to be here.........can I have your sandwiches ?"

Told the one about my Pierre Cardin loafers pinched from my feet as I was fast asleep p!ssed up on the last tube home.



Told the one about my burn damage with my first experience of oven chips, a gas oven, and a Match of the Day goal replay.



I could tell a few about my experiences with various females but I best wait until Big Graeme goes on holiday.

That is so funny

[size=50I best not tell the story of the bird from Beverley who contacted me on here for a meet-up.

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A bit of prick teaser that one.

Yes you are Dave.

Over the past 8 weeks I've been travelling around America via Greyhound buses. Not the best mode of transport, but it's cheap and the passengers are interesting to say the least. I sat next to one girl and after about 15 minutes of conversation she asked me where I was from. I told her and she couldn't believe it.



She'd never left Texas and had never spoken to a 'non-American' person - not even a Mexican apparently. She then went on a bizarre question and answer session regarding such foods as; Pigs Intestine, Bulls balls, Horses Balls.. the balls of many other farm animals and the insides of other such creatures.. She also asked if England still had the Royal Family and 'which one was on it now?' .. She finally ended the rambling with an explanation why her father was in Jail and she wasn't and that most of her cousins are on probation.



I said about 4 words the whole time she was on this mad verbal rampage. It all went quiet - and then I asked her if she'd ever eaten a cheese and onion pasty. Turns out that's one of the few things she hadn't eaten - never heard of it in fact and couldn't quite grasp cheese with onion, in a pastry.



It was at this point I bowed out of the madness and chatted to a Nigerian fella across the seats about Wigan Rugby League.

We were were in Florida once and this couple started talking to me. They mentioned they'd driven down from Georgia (the adjacent state). They asked where I had come from to which I replied "London, England" to make it easy for them. They then asked "Did you drive?" to which I replied in a matter of fact way "I thought about it but then thought the Atlantic might be a problem, so we flew." They did not see or even remotely suspect any irony.

I fell asleep on a bench outside St. Helens town hall once on a cold frost night wearing only a t-shirt and jeans. Thankfully a passing lad woke me up but it was then I discovered that my bargain box of chicken had been nicked.

I was at the wrong side of London.

Shoeless, pished, persisting down with rain, and no coin in my pocket.

In the 80's when my dad was a coal miner at the prince of wales in pontefract, he had a mate who one day had a accident that resulted in his finger being ripped clean off. top side the doctor says to his mates that if they can find the finger they can re-attach. Mates of his go back down to look for the missing digit and after a time find the prodder on the floor near the machine. one of my dads mates puts it in an empty salt and vinegar crisp packet and jump on the train to the top. on the train

the man with the crisp packet is sat with the last shift of men, thinking it a joke he asks one of the guys if he'd like a crisp, the guy picks the finger up, yells and knock the packet with finger into the dark abyss never to bee seen again. i only hope the person missing this finger is not reading. but it make me laugh